Monday, January 16, 2017

Technical Difficulties

It ultimately ends in a complete crash. A meltdown of monumental proportions from which there can be no recovery. One that will require a replete reset…of my sanity.

I would like it noted that I do not have “difficulties” with technology. I am relatively tech savvy. Okay, maybe not savvy, but tech functional. I get by enough to do pretty much everything electronically.

Until…I follow all of the directives for a particular piece of scientific know-how only to have the computer or app or ATM or phone or alternate device designed to make life easier…bring my complete existence to a screeching halt.

The “difficulties” I have are with the emotions that result from that moment.

Now, I consider myself a relatively rational human being. For example, I know full well and completely understand that there isn’t actually a tiny little someone inside of my smartphone.  But when the screen goes completely black and it refuses to function, then it is no longer a smart phone. It is a dumb phone! A dumb, stupid, fartphone! And I want to punch it right in its stupid little phone face!

And I revert to an earlier version of myself. Processing at around Laura 8.0 from early 1981.

Stupid! Stupid! Dumb phone!

And then there’s some sort of session time out inside of me before all sorts of uninvited wingdings and symbols start streaming from my mouth!

You stupid piece of $#!€! Why won’t you ¶*%ing work?!?!

And then the overheating starts. A warm shade of crimson creeping up my neck as I squeeze the black brick between my thumb and fingers pounding down on the only buttons available to me until every fingertip is white with rage.

And even Siri won’t answer me. You know why? Because she thinks I dropped her on purpose and now she’s giving me the cold shoulder. But I didn’t. I already told her I didn’t.

Sometimes I think she just likes to fight! Like the time she told everyone I said something I didn’t. She knows that’s not what I said! The word “personnel” sounds nothing like “vagina.” But she’s willing to shout it out to everybody! (Yes! She actually did this to me this week!)

And she’s not the only one. Because now there are the new girls. Alexa and Cortana. All triangulated off in their own little click. Siri, Alexa and Cortana, the mean girls of microtechnology! Mocking and making fun of me! Parroting back with systematic sarcasm. Oh, yes, there’s sarcasm there. Just listen. No one can possibly be that sincere.

And all she has to do is just do what I asked! Why won’t she just do what I asked?!?

I’ll tell you why. Because she’s mean. She’s just mean and she’s stupid! And she hates me! She just hates me for no reason. Well guess what? I hate her too!

I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!

Oh…it just needed to be recharged.

Follow me on Instagram and Twitter @TheLauraBecker

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